Snatch'd: THE LONDON EYE

(Eye am not impressed)

I’d like to present a weekly feature where I inform you, the reader, on what hyped UK attractions suck. And, also, what hyped UK attractions don’t suck. I’m calling this feature:

Snatch’d:* Rating the UK’s tourist traps.

No. 1: The London Eye / (2 out of 10)

Credit: Some dude / The London Eye. In the sky. Super fly.

Why I'm going: Syracuse University hooked us up with free passes onto this Ferris wheel-esque glimpse of downtown London.

Price: Adult (16+) tickets cost £15.50

Hours: 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. daily

Location: Next to about 30,000 tube stops in Central London including Westminster, Waterloo. Buses 211, 77 and 381 also work.

Stupid fact: For £33.00 (per person) you can get a Champagne Flight. A romantic evening above the Thames River? Not really. All it means is you and your significant other get a glass of Laurent-Perrier champagne during the flight—while everybody else in the capsule gets to watch you awkwardly sip the overpriced bubbly. Aww, how sweet!

Advertisements for the London Eye show onlookers soaring through the clouds. In actuality, you’re barely hovering over the Thames River. Sure, gazers receive a breath taking glimpse of the depth of London including the nearby Big Ben. Plus, the neighborhood where Hugh Grant lives. But even Big Ben was disappointing. The legendary clock tower was much smaller than I pictured.*

As you float through the sky, there’s a couple nice photo ops. But the experience grows old fast. And then the Eye itself takes an insulting photo op of you and whoever else is stuck with you inside this pill-like glass encasement. The attraction expects you to pay money for that photo? C’mon this ain’t no Splash Mountain.

Maybe the London Eye is a fun little adventure if you get vertigo. (And I don’t get Vertigo. I’ve seen that move three times, and I still don’t get it.)* but for those of us with a more balanced equilibrium, the Eye is—wait for it— hardly worth seeing.

Credit: Matt Levin / Going up. And then back down. Weeee.

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Foot notes:

*It should be obvious that Snatch is one of my favorite pieces of British cinema. And obviously my favorite Guy Ritchie film. For those not into Pulp Fiction-inspired British mayhem, Ritchie is the director-husband of Madonna. He also has only two quality films total, the other being Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. His latest film: “RockNRolla” has received mediocre reviews in his homeland. It hits American theaters on Oct. 31.

*Maybe the reason I thought Big Ben was so huge was because I always saw it so glamorized in Hollywood films. The two greatest (and possibly, only) fight scenes atop Big Ben in cinema history.

A. Jackie Chan battles some British aristocrat in Shanghai Knights II. Then Owen Wilson saves his life.

B. Basil of Baker Street battles Professor Ratigan in The Great Mouse Detective.

*That’s a joke from an Animaniacs made-for-TV movie*. And I straight-up jacked it for this blog. This is quality material here, people. Straight from the mouth of Wakko and Yakko Warner.

*I have never seen the movie Vertigo. But need I remind you, I did actually take the time to watch this movie.